When I started this blog I told myself that I was going to be honest and transparent at all times because my goal was always to help other mamas feel less alone in their struggles – not to sugarcoat the hard parts of motherhood. That being said, it’s also very hard to share things in your life that are typically considered private matters. There’s a fine line between sharing information that could help others and sharing information that could hurt others.
I wasn’t sure if speaking about my marriage struggles was something that I was ever going to be interested in writing about, but it’s something that’s really been weighing heavily on my heart lately and it’s something that I feel like every couple has probably gone through to some extent.
Shortly after Ethan was born, I found myself starting to resent my husband. It was my choice to become a stay-at-home mom and I’ve never once regretted that decision, but admittedly it is a much harder job than I ever could have anticipated. I started feeling jealous that my husband had an hour commute to and from work where he could listen to audiobooks, jam out to music or just sit in silence. I didn’t think it was fair that every single day he got to go to the bathroom and eat his lunch without a little human attached to his side. It angered me that he would come home from work and complain about being tired.
Of course, early on in my journey of motherhood it was easy to attribute these feelings to hormones and a bit of the “postpartum blues”. I was very vocal with my husband about how I was feeling because I knew that it wasn’t fair to be upset at him over things that he had no control over or things that were just part of the job of being a stay-at-home mom. I thought it was very important that he understood that while I might be snappy, it wasn’t directed at him, just the situation.
As Ethan gained a little bit of independence and things started to get easier, I felt some of that anger and resentment towards my husband lessen. We managed to get out every now and then, just the two of us, and those rare baby-free moments allowed us to reconnect and recharge. Then, a few months ago – something changed. I honestly don’t know what happened or why it happened, but it happened. I started to hate my husband.
Now, I know what you’re thinking – hate is a strong word. Did I ever truly HATE him? Ok, no. But I did find myself getting annoyed and upset with him daily. I have an amazing husband and I don’t want this to come off like I’m publicly bashing him or that I want people to dislike him. He is an honest to God good person. He’s kind, generous, selfless and honest. I know I’m lucky to have him and I know he’s the best dad I could ask for for Ethan. The issue is, a lot of the time he doesn’t seem to extend those same great qualities to me.
I don’t know how many times these past few months I’ve told him I wasn’t happy. I’ve been very honest in telling him that I don’t feel appreciated. I’ve asked him to help more, told him I needed a break…you get the point. Every single time the conversation goes like this:
Sara: “I need more help, I’m overwhelmed and I’m not happy”
Steve: “I do everything I can, I really feel like I’m doing enough but sorry if you don’t feel that I am”
Sara: *expresses why I feel overwhelmed and gives an example of how he could help more*
Steve: *helps out around the house and with Ethan more…for a day or 2*
*life goes back to normal, conversation repeats in a month*
My biggest issue is I feel like my husband expects me to be the primary parent 24/7 – whether or not he’s at work. On weekends when I need a break, he finds that the garage suddenly needs to be organized or that project he started 2 years ago is ready to be finished. I feel like I’m on duty nonstop – instead of the parenting duties being shared when we’re both available. The same mentality extends to the cleaning and the laundry. My husband rarely does those tasks without prompting because he “never notices the mess” or doesn’t feel that a hamper overflowing with dirty clothes is a priority. Basically, I feel like I do it all unless I ask for help and I don’t feel I should have to ask.
When it comes down to it, I just think it’s a matter of men vs. women. Or maybe it’s a stay-at-home parent vs. working parent thing. I don’t know. All I know is I have officially given up. I chose to be a stay-at-home mom and I know that while it isn’t easy, I can handle the extra weight that I feel is put on my shoulders. If I continue to bring up every time I feel upset or overwhelmed – we will 110% end in divorce. Because I love him and because I want my marriage to last, I have to accept that my happiness will take a backseat sometimes.
Were you expecting me to offer a solution? Perhaps have some brillant breakthrough to share about how my husband magically started doing every little thing I asked him to do? Sorry, but this is real life.
Marriage is hard. It takes work.
Parenting is hard. It takes work.
Here’s to being thankful that I have a husband that loves me, a son that is thriving and a great support system that helps me pick up the slack when the load gets too heavy (hi mom & dad).
