I came across an article (linked below) on ScaryMommy.com shortly after Ethan was born that absolutely nailed what I was feeling regarding breastfeeding, or more specifically, the lack of it.
When we were told that Ethan’s weight had dropped too low and we would need to supplement with formula, I was devastated. I got in the car and just sobbed. I felt like I had failed as a mother. We continued to try to make it work for weeks but eventually, we packed away the pump and came to terms with the fact that Ethan would be a “formula baby”. No birthing class, mommy blog or parenting handbook prepares you for the suffocating guilt that you feel and the effect of that guilt on your relationship with your baby. I came to dread every feeding and every pump session. What should have been a bonding experience with Ethan was instead an hour of pain, stress & heartache. When Stephen & I made the decision to go to formula full-time, I was TERRIFIED to tell our pediatrician. That is how hard they beat “breast is best” into new mommy’s brains – my baby wasn’t thriving and I was scared to tell some stranger how I wanted to parent. How messed up is that?
When I gave up breastfeeding, I was able to share more of the load with Stephen and he was able to bond with Ethan in a whole new way. I let go of the guilt and have been enjoying every second of motherhood ever since.
