Before I gave birth to my son, I worked at one of the country’s largest executive aircraft brokerage firms. My job was fast paced, extremely stressful and extremely time consuming. I didn’t just work an eight hour day, I was glued to my phone from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. There were no such thing as business hours, you answered the phone and you did what needed to be done when asked, because if you didn’t – you were potentially costing someone millions of dollars. The executive aircraft industry is male-dominated, filled with “old-school” values and mentalities, and extremely toxic. Honesty, integrity and respect simply don’t exist. It’s a dog-eat-dog world and you have to be willing to play the game if you want to be successful.
This lifestyle was exhausting, and to be perfectly honest – I grew to resent it and dreamed of the day that I could leave it and move on to something bigger and better. I never intended to work in this field, in fact I was actually pre-med in college. I had every intention of going to school to become a physical therapist and earning my doctorate. After graduating with my bachelor’s degree, I applied to PT school and didn’t get in. It’s an extremely competitive program but it still hit me really hard. I had always been used to things coming easy for me and rejection was a tough pill to swallow. Now looking back, it was a blessing in disguise.
My passion for physical therapy died along with my confidence in myself and I began looking for a position in another field. I figured I would take anything I could find until I figured out what I wanted do with my life. That’s how I stumbled into the world of executive aircraft sales. I started as the receptionist and worked my way up into one of the most important positions at the company. That is something that I am extremely proud of myself for and I’m grateful for that experience because it restored my confidence tenfold.
So how did I end up becoming a stay-at-home mom?
Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I dreamed of having children and fantasized about all of the things I would do if I had the opportunity to stay home with them. I would go on all of the field trips, volunteer at all of the events, dress them in adorable outfits every day, have my husband come home to a clean house and a home cooked meal every night…I basically wanted to be a stereotypical 50’s housewife.
I think the reason that I had such an ideal image of motherhood in my mind was because my mom was the mother that I dreamed of being. She was there for absolutely anything we needed her for. We never once had to miss out on an opportunity because our parents couldn’t get off of work or we didn’t have time. I have memories of getting taken out of school to watch the Blue Angels at the Naval Academy where my dad worked, & getting picked up from school and going to get lunch and go shopping on days where we had two hour early dismissals. Summers were filled with fun day trips and activities at home, because we didn’t have to worry about my mom taking vacation time or having to wait for her to get home from work before we could go somewhere.
As I grew older I started to realize that the days of staying home with your children were starting to become a thing of the past. Things were more expensive now and life was more fast-paced. It was normal for both parents to work and for children to be put into daycare. I just assumed that I would never be in a position where I could afford to stay home. I also feared that I wouldn’t find a husband that would support me in staying home. Would he think that I was lazy? Would he resent me and feel like I wasn’t contributing to the household if I didn’t earn an income?
When Stephen and I got married, we discussed my desire to be a stay-at-home mom. Stephen knew that I was not happy at my current job and we were fortunate enough that we could survive off of one income, so we made a decision together that I would stay home and raise our children.
I put in my notice at work at exactly 12 weeks and I worked up until 38 weeks.
Is being a stay-at-home mom everything that I hoped and dreamed of?
Absolutely not.
I’m not the Pinterest mom of my dreams, as much as I wish I was. I’m just surviving at this point. I’m tired, so incredibly tired. Not just physically tired, which I certainly am, but mentally. It’s really hard being alone all day, every day. As much as you love your sweet little baby – they can’t hold a conversation with you. They can’t understand that mommy needs a break, just a minute to herself. You spend all day chasing after them, caring for them around the clock and through the night and you’re still expected to keep the house clean, buy groceries, make sure they have enough diapers & wipes in the closet, pack away their too small clothes…it’s a lot. Sure, your husband helps when he’s home (and when you ask him) – but a lot of things can’t wait until he gets home. And when he does get home, you just want a break. But do you get one? Not usually.
Then there’s the “touch overload”. You spend all day holding them, rocking them, picking them up, holding their hands – and then your husband comes home. He wants a hug. He wants to kiss you. He wants to be intimate. But you’ve been touched all day and you just want to be left the hell alone.
AND THE COMPARISON. Don’t get me started. You browse Instagram all day long – what else can you do with a sleeping baby on your chest? You see all of these beautiful, professional looking photos that your friends are posting. You see the cute little boutique outfits that they wear seemingly every single day. You see children much younger than yours reaching milestones that you hadn’t even thought about yet. You start thinking, “maybe I’m not trying hard enough” and “if they can do it, I should be able to as well” and then BAM – your very limited free time is now spent desperately trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Would I change anything about my life?
Do I want to go back to work?
No, not even a little bit. I love all of the time I have with my son. He is my greatest joy and I would take a million “bad” days with him over 1 “good” day without him. I’m tired. I’m lonely. I don’t feel appreciated. I often resent my husband. But those feelings are normal and they don’t last forever. The first year is the hardest and I’m working on giving myself grace. The tough times will pass and I know that one day I’ll have the time and the energy to be the mom of my dreams. For now, I’m just winging it.
