Like a lot of women, I’ve struggled with body image and obsessed over my weight since childhood. I was constantly sucking in my stomach, weighing myself and comparing my body to those around me. Looking back now, I know that my weight was never a real issue – in fact, up until college, I was underweight most of the time.
When I transferred to a university out-of-state, I took full advantage of my meal plan and gained over 20 pounds in just over a year. For the first time in my life, I did have excess weight and it was visually apparent. I didn’t realize how much weight I had gained until I weighed myself over Christmas break when I was back home. I started trying to lose the excess weight on January 1st and was down 25 pounds by that May. I went home and continued to lose weight throughout the Summer – all thanks to healthy dieting and exercise. I felt AMAZING. Most importantly, I had established a healthy lifestyle and I finally understood that those obsessive thoughts from my past were unhealthy and damaging.
So what happened?
Life happened. After I graduated from college, I was able to maintain the same general weight for a couple of years – fluctuating a few pounds here and there. Eventually, I stopped going to the gym as life got busier and cash got tighter (hello home ownership!) and the weight started slowly creeping back on. Still, I was content with my size and felt happier as an adult than I ever had as an adolescent.
Now, let’s look at some numbers:
I’m 5’5”. At my highest weight (pre-pregnancy) I was 150 pounds – just barely considered “overweight”. After graduating college, I was down to 124 pounds and by the time I got married (5 years later) I was just over 130 pounds and wore a size 2.
I conceived 2 months after my wedding and the weight gain came hard & fast. My OB told me several times that I needed to slow it down but I couldn’t figure out why I was gaining so much weight so quickly. Sure, I had cravings and gave into those cravings many times – but not enough to explain the massive weight gain. The day I went in to have Ethan, I weighed just over 200 pounds. I had gained over 70 pounds.
After I gave birth, I was disgusted with my body. I hated the stretch marks, the loose skin, the cellulite – all of it. I felt unattractive and my confidence was at an all time low. I kept trying to remind myself that my body needed time to recover and then the weight would start naturally falling off. At least, I assumed it would.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t. Months went by and I hadn’t lost any weight. Friends of mine that had babies around the same time as me were starting to get back in their pre-pregnancy clothes and I was still wearing maternity underwear and sweats everyday. I cried, a lot. I obsessed over the scale. I stared at my reflection with disgust everytime I passed a mirror.
After months of hating myself, something just clicked. I woke up one day and it all seemed so stupid. I had just had a baby – created a little human. My body was amazing! How could I have expected to go back to a size 2 when in reality, I probably shouldn’t have even been that small to begin with. I decided to give myself a year. One year of just enjoying being a mama and not tearing myself down just because I had a little extra fluff. After a year, I would worry about losing the extra weight and getting back in shape but until then – who cares.
It’s 2 weeks away from Ethan’s 1st birthday and I’m still sitting at 170-175 pounds – depending on the day. I wear a size 12/large and I still wear leggings 99% of the time. My wedding set isn’t anywhere close to fitting on my finger and I had to get rid of half of my wardrobe but…I’m ok with it.
I’m still not happy with my weight or how I look, but I don’t hate myself anymore. I have learned to embrace this new body and be thankful for all it has done for me. I am going to start trying to lose some of the weight, but not for vanity this time. I want to lose the weight so I can be healthy and be around for as much of Ethan’s life as possible. I’m not going to set time limits on my goals or count every single calorie – I’m going to enjoy life and be present with my family.
Mamas – give yourself grace. You don’t have to love your postpartum body but you should respect it. Do what makes you feel happy but do it for YOU, not for what you think society wants you to look like. Most importantly, remember that you are not alone. We all struggle with our body image & we all have things we wish we could change. We need to remember that our body image is subjective. What we see in the mirror is heavily influenced by our anxieties and perceived social norms. No matter what you look like or how much you weigh – you’re beautiful and your body is capable of some pretty amazing things.
